souliloquies

you're welcome

the quote for the day:

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay...

then it's you.

~Rita Mae Brown

those of you with me for a friend are now thinking whew! i'm off the hook! so glad to be able to help like that!

thank you for missing me. if you did, that is...

the HH says i owe you a post, about my birthday party.  which is true. but what is also true is that i have been sick now, off and on mostly on for the last 2 weeks. i've been told it's the flu. and h1n1 is going around classes at my daughter's school literally half-empty so i wouldn't be surprised if i'm a statistic there. with all that, you see, i haven't had much impetus to write my own name endorsing a large check to deposit, much less anything else.  and i'm not going to write a big hairy post, for sure. so, suffice to say that the party committee outdid themselves, and some of the most wonderful people ever born were in attendance, and a marvelous time was had by all. especially me.

and, like it or not, huge happy party or not--i turned 50. 

recently i was reminded of the time our oldest, he who is now 22 who, coming up on his 4th birthday, decided he wasn't going to be 4. nope, he wanted to jump right from 3 to 5--4, apparently, being a lame age, because you couldn't go to kindergarten if you were 4, but you could if you were 5. however, when he realized that meant no birthday presents, no cake, no festivities, he decided not being 4 wasn't worth what he'd lose. i think i my party was kind of the reverse of that--a sop to turning 50, a bribe, as it were. mm-hmm.

i must say, the last 2 weeks have been a challenge to get through: being sick, some struggles at work having to confront that i'm not doing very well providing leadership to my staff in significant ways, then being behind on everything, what with no energy to put into catching up and doing better... sigh. oh well. with any luck the sickness will go, the wisdom that comes with being old will kick in, and my life will get back on track.

until then, i'll just remind myself to keep taking deep breaths, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. while wearing warm socks, and taking lots of vitamin C. just in case...

the new 17

today is my birthday.  i am 50 years old.  that's right--i have completed five decades of life. sounds old. but i can't be all that old, because i woke up with a zit on my chin. oh yes. really.

so i'm breaking out the clearasil. luckily, my party isn't until tomorrow night, so there's time... also time to hem my pants, because i have new clothes thanks to the lovely emily to wear. to the party. my birthday party.

six months ago i wrote this post.

and now--it's about to become reality. a party-planning committee has been feverishly at work for weeks and weeks now. and there will be friends and food and drink and fun. and i can't wait.

woo hoo!

yes please!

i wish you’d been there.

last night

hotel utah

songwriter in the round

david greco

heather combs

unbelievable experience.

i know. it sounds a little silly, especially when you realize what it was--several singer/songwriters sitting on a tiny, gear-cluttered stage with a topless mermaid on the wall over their heads, in a divey, noisy bar with fabulous burgers and mediocre wine in san francisco. this kind of event happens in thousands of places every week across the country and around the world--independent musicians happy for a place to play and a few people to hear them.

one of my favorite places to be. and last night--last night was transcendent. 

i’m biased, you say. yes, we all know that the rock star is my favorite singer/songwriter if you didn’t know that, just look to the right of your screen and it’s right there, in black and white.  his songwriting is subtle and evocative, as finely, strongly nuanced as a pen and ink drawing, his voice is rich, smoky and warm, his guitar work so exquisite and distinct it’s always an equal partner, almost another personality, on stage, never merely an accompaniment. and heather combs--well, i admit it-- i have a little fan-crush on heather. her music is honest and raw, rough-edged and bold--painted with broad, thickly saturated brushstrokes on the acoustic canvas. sometimes tender, sometimes abrasive--always compelling. i can't get enough of her, especially live.

i read a quote recently--that a good artist comes out on stage and thinks here i am!, but a great one--a great one thinks there you are! that’s a good way to describe what happened last night. both of these songwriters came--as these two always come--to the stage anticipating, ready to meet us, the audience. it was like getting together for dinner with a dear friend you haven’t seen for a while--the impatient wait, then the pure delight of being together, the lavish and unabashed transparency in the deeply affectionate exchange of ideas and experiences; the complete loss of sense of time, the pure and total immersion in the moment. and they shared that with each other, as well. once one opened and spoke his heart, the other seemed even more willing, even more comfortable than usual in opening and sharing hers. each of them gave more and more, unstinting in their artistic generosity. and so it went, back and forth, round after round. building and growing and thrilling us all, until, as the saying about all good things tells us must happen, it came to an end.

my favorite artists are always ones who bring this to us--who come to give us the gift, not only of their music, but of themselves when they perform. these are the artists who draw us in through opening not just their heart-windows but the doors--inviting us into the place where we find our own hearts effortlessly opening in response. the music then is no longer words on a page, or even just sound and light waves to be produced by instrument and voice--instead, something more significant is created, right there in the room between, among, and within every one of us, performer and audience alike. it happened last night. it brought tears to my eyes then, and it still does now. it was moving, and transformative, and intense, and spiritual, and transcendent. 

yes, that’s right. i said it was spiritual. without (and maybe thankfully so!) the trappings and restrictions, prescriptions and proscriptions of religion, notice i didn't say of faith, this was a time and place where the simple, true values and purposes of God were lifted up--healing for the wounded, love for the loveless, justice for the oppressed, restoration of the broken, freedom for the captive, homecoming for the homeless.  the air in the room was thick with the presence and the power of it all. those of us who were there will never be quite the same for having experienced it, last night at the hotel utah.

i sure wish you could’ve been there.

it's something...

last night my husband looked up from his laptop and asked are you ever going to blog again?

sigh.

it shouldn't be this hard. i mean, when i started blogging i expected that it would be something i loved to do, that i would do it often, and, of course, that you would love it. yes. but it hasn't exactly turned out that way, has it? i know. and i'm sorry.

there are all sorts of reasons, especially for this last hiatus almost 3 weeks now. most of them have to do with the fact that life is just hard--really hard--right now, and i'm slogging through, and didn't think you'd really enjoy reading about health concerns, money concerns, job concerns, worries and more worries. i've given you enough struggle stuff lately, and i'm starting to worry that i'll become in your minds that woman who just blogs about the crap in her life. i can't read it any more, it's too depressing! i'm saving those things for the privacy of my journal. although it occurs to me that, if you're still out there reading, you have either have a strong stomach for that kind of stuff, or the comparison makes your life seem all that much better! or of course, you're just a fool for punishment.

i am consoled, in my lack of bloggingness, that i am not, as i've said before, alone.  in the list of blogs that i read regularly, there are several that's more than four that have sat, neglected and un-updated, longer than mine; whose last posts are weeks & months old. and although she writes much more regularly, this post by serenity made me laugh. and nod my head. and you might notice, when i read it the first time, comment.

and, when i look, there are some pretty good things going on.  plans for the birthday party are in full swing--so much so, in fact, that last night i began feeling rather guilty and selfish about all the work people are putting in on it. but it's too late now, so i'm going to sit back and try to enjoy it. !

and i'm working with the rock star who, i'm sure, hates that i call him that--got any suggestions? maybe i'll just call him the client on this, which is so worthwhile and exciting and satisfying, i can't even begin to tell you.

and i'm thinking of moving this blog to wordpress. kind of tired of the current platform, which fights me continually about what should be simple issues like font style and size. anybody over there? what do you like or not like about it? how do you vote?

finally--it's fall. i'm looking forward to cooler weather, and colorful leaves, and writer's group starting again. and rain. 

huh. looky there! i just wrote a whole blog post. and not all of it was a downer, was it? a little progress. i'll take it!