souliloquies

writing so as to avoid writing

i have gotten to the point in life where i consider myself a writer.  i have accepted it,  acknowledged it, and have admitted it to others. this wasn't easy--although i've written stuff all my life, i never thought i was good enough, serious enough, or whatever enough to be a 'real' writer.  now, my sister is a writer.  all through our childhood she was the one with scraps of paper everywhere, poems, stories... got her master's in writing.  she has had the writer identity in the fam. so it's taken me a while to come to terms with being a writer.  but i am.  and i have. and i write.

i  blog okay, not as regularly as i should, but still!, i've written a couple of poems, and i'm working on a book.  at least--i've written bits and pieces. i read books like anne lammott's bird by bird, or art & fear by bayles & orland that i'm very slowly working through with the rockstar. i attend a serious writer's group monthly.

i'm a writer. really.

all right, then. 

but the truth is--i more often think about writing than i actually write. way more often.  i've written three-quarters of an essay/article that might actually be good enough to publish--maybe--but i haven't finished--because i'm still thinking about it. i have a poem that i've been working on, as i put it,  for a year.  i think. and there's the afore-mentioned book, which right now would qualify more as scraps.

and this blog--well, let's face it.  i certainly post much less frequently than any of us--you or i--at least i hope; if not, please don't destroy my illusions;  i'll be crushed! would like.  however, it might seem more frequent to me because there are quite a few posts you've never read that are brilliant--brilliant, i tell you--but they've never gotten out of my head. but i've thought about them. thought about writing them. a lot. 

it's not that i don't enjoy writing, you know.  although i do sometimes resonate with these two quotes:

i didn't know this, but the hardest part about writing a book is ALL THOSE WORDS.  The easiest part is ALL THAT DRINKING.  (on dooce's blog)

and--

Writing is easy: all you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until the drops of blood form on your forehead.  Gene Fowler, quoted in art & fear.

all of which is a big lead-in to today's situation:  i'm writing here to avoid writing other things. how's that for ironic?

i'm applying for credentialing.  meaning, although i won't be ordained, i will be officially licensed, able to do official-pastor kinds of things like marrying and burying  that sounds much better than it looks, so you might want to try saying it out loud to yourself.  see what i mean? and able to receive the clergy tax benefit. and because it's so official, applying means paperwork.  lots and lots of paperwork.

some of it's not too bad.  basic info: name, church, title, what kind of credential i'm seeking, employment background, etc.  signatures: mine, my lead pastor's, the chairman of the leadership team's. letters of reference not too bad, i've got a couple of favors i can call in. background check yes indeed! fees to pay, interview gulp! to schedule... while tedious, not a really big deal. 

but then--there's the statement of faith paper.  and, surprisingly to me, some of the minister's profile form.  with questions such as how i apply the denomination's affirmations (things like the centrality of the Word, necessity of new birth, etc, etc...) to my 'daily practice of ministry'.  or, describing my sense of calling to ministry.  or...  yeah, truth is, i'm having a little trouble even typing those questions here, so i'll stop now.  you can just speculate.  and probably not come even close.

it's not that i don't understand why they'd ask these things.  i get it.  they need to know about the people they're credentialing.  they need to know if we're really people suited to ministry, suited to pastoring, appropriate to 'turn loose' to care for church congregations.  i get it.

but then i try to answer the questions.  and i struggle.  because,  how can i put something as immense and organic and crazy and intimate as my relationship with the living God into a short paragraph for others to read, examine, analyze and critique? how can i boil down the thing that's as integral to my life every minute as the air i breathe if not more so into a paragraph of a certain number of words, and express it in a way that answers the question and helps move me forward toward something i want that they have the power to give or not?

now, granted, part of my struggle is that i live my life of faith mostly from my heart. some of my friends call me a mystic, a label i won't deny.  and more and more these days i'm living through the artist part of me--emotional, experiential, and essential.  so it's harder for me to put that into words than it might be for many people.  language fails. which is pretty tough to admit as a writer. but the other part of it for me is the fear that my faith experience won't be understood.  won't be considered adequate.  or might even be considered... weird.

but all right. i've put it off long enough. i've got to go find a way to make sense of it to people who don't live it with me.  to people who want to know if i'm someone they'd be proud to point to as a credentialed person of their denomination.  if i'm someone who's qualified, not just certified, to receive that clergy tax benefit.

oh my.  i think first i'll go have a beer.

back from the void

i'm sorry i haven't posted lately--it's been a crazy few weeks!

big construction project at work that i've been overseeing--we had these beautiful stained glass window hidden behind a wall (2 windows, each about 7' wide by 10 1/2 ' tall) that we installed in the wall on either side of the stage.  i'll get pictures and post them--it's really cool! but it required lots of moving stage stuff (drums, piano, other gear) back and forth a couple of times, a few past-midnight evenings... sigh.  i'm POOPED! luckily, i work with people i really adore (def. to like or enjoy enthusastically, even excessively.  excessively? hmm, i'm not sure about that one! anyway...)  

this week i'm preaching, too.

i need a vacation!!!

but that's not happening anytime soon. because, also since i posted last, the HH was laid off.  paid through june 15, but that's it... so it's been a little stressful around here.  but just as He's been all the time we've been here, God has been so GOOD!  even though some people are having trouble finding work, the HH found a great job with paychex, selling the product he sold at his last job in phoenix!  (you might remember that his division there was sold, along with the product).  he's probably the most qualified in the country for this!  he'll start next week.  still, there won't be money (or maybe even time) for vacation this year.  but we'll eat and pay the bills, which is pretty great in and of itself!

that's it for now.  i need to make dinner and then afterwards settle down and finish that sermon! it's on obedience, so you know it won't be easy for me...

btw, if you go here and sign up to either give money or choose to 'just enter the drawing' you can download an incredible  song by that certain talented colleague of mine... enjoy!

best quote i've heard in a long time

oh yeah?  well, which one of you fellas is man enough to fill in for ma?

the sons of katie elder

heat

tough week. at least... the last few days, anyway. it's hot as blazes. no, phoenix people--REALLY. it's over 100 degrees. and WE HAVE NO A/C. so even with windows open and fans on, it's almost 90 in the house. NASTY.

i haven't felt like blogging... i've been struggling with my job, my calling--no, not whether i should be where i am, more about am i doing the right things here? do i have what it takes? am i really contributing much? my staff is so amazing, so brilliant, so greatly gifted and talented... i do my best for them, but i'm not sure i'm all that helpful to them, not sure that i'm bringing them what they need from me, if i'm really leading at all, or just managing--and than not terribly well. not that managing is bad--and i know there are some management tasks i do so they don't have to, so they can focus on what they're gifted and called to do. but... that's not an area i'm gifted in, either, and while i love to give that gift to them, i just sense there should be something else, something more for me. i did refuse a leadership opportunity in the regional conference last week--something that i think someday i might do well at, but i know that right now it's not for me. there are other things i have, or hope to have, on my plate, one of which i've just recently more 'formally' stepped into--although even that is something for which i feel inadequate. my struggle, i think, is that i can't see my way clear to really be doing what i'm called to--working in my 'sweet spot' as my colleague jeff describes it. i know what i'd love to do, but i haven't quite been able to figure out how to do it, and how to do it here, and still serve all the other areas required. i need to rearrange this all, to figure out what i should and shouldn't be doing, and who can do the things i need to give away. how to acquire the skills and knowledge i'm lacking, how to find the opportunities, to become someone who does more than dream... some days, it doesn't seem possible, and my heart is heavy with something feeling a little like despair. i've lived many of those days this week.

several months ago a pastor friend said that there is no vision from God without burden. i believe i've been given a vision, with at least a couple of very specific aspects. and it's not my vision, but His vision, His kingdom plan. and i do have burden--deep longing, sense of urgency, a true heart-pain for those things He's shown me. i believe there are some specific ways He's called me to serve, to fulfill His plan. it's just that right now, i can't see the clear path to get there, to be effective, to be significant. it's odd--i have position, place--title, if you will--that should free me to do some of these things, to move forward into that world He's shown me, and yet somehow, it seems that i'm not. i've seen it, i yearn for it, my heart breaks over it yet i can't figure out how to get from the longing to the living out. it reminds me of a time years ago (pre-GPS!) when i was with a friend in florida, driving in a rental car from the airport to another city. there was road construction going on, and judy & i ended up driving on what we thought was a frontage road, but which actually turned out to be a separate road entirely. it ran parallel to the highway, but there was no way to get off the road we were on and onto the other--the road that was supposed to get us to where we were going. we drove for miles and miles, going much more slowly than we would have on the highway, always seeing the other road right next to us. it was so close that if we'd stopped and gotten out of the car we could have walked over and touched the shoulder of that road simply by pushing our fingers through the chain link fence--the only thing that kept us from us from being where we wanted to be.

that memory actually gives me, as i write, new hope. because, although i don't remember all the details, i do remember that we wound up getting to where we wanted to go. we didn't take the road we thought we'd take, and it took us hours longer than we'd expected, but nonetheless, we made it. it wasn't the way most people would have driven, not the road most maps would have directed us to, but in the end--

we got there.

and now that i think about it, it was damn hot then too.

stuck in a rut, i guess

yeah, well, i just like this look better.

solitary randomness

all my kids were on the road today.

the dailey three went with the HH to arizona, where they're attending our nephew zach's wedding to his sweet girl amy, and then staying through to monday to attend the memorial service of ron's aunt catherine, or 'auntie', as we always called her. all of life's joys (zach and amy are also expecting a baby) and sorrows, the real important stuff, in one long weekend. i am home, because i have to work, and because (now) i have to stay with our new canine jake... we've only had him a couple of weeks, and i'd hate to have him away from us for several days already! more about jake later... the trip to arizona was relatively uneventful, except for maggie having to throw up on the side of the road (a sign of her rapidly advancing maturity--she was able to wait til dad pulled over!) and having some tummy trouble after she got to poppa & eveline's in west phoenix.

my other 'kids'--the rockstar & his wife, at least attempted a road trip today, but didn't get past cheyenne--as i write, i am hoping the roads have opened and they can start home. it's may, for crying out loud! but there's wind, & snow, and... well, what do i know, i've never lived anywhere where it snows anyway. they were in colorado where he was recording his new record, which is going to be unbelievably amazing, and where he had a very successful show last night in denver.

so, all my kids traveling. and i'm here at home--just me and jake (well, and the cats, but...).

jake keeps looking for the rest of the fam. he's so sweet! a year-old german shorthaired pointer, who we got through a rescue organization. jake was hit by a truck Christmas day, and had major surgery to his left hind leg--had a pin put in, and a plate attached. he's much better now, but we do still have to keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't overdo it. he's very smart, but a bit ADD--he chases shadows, light reflections, bugs, birds... when i throw the ball for him, if it's overcast he watches the ball in my hand, but if it's sunny--he watches my shadow on the ground! he's right now doing his best to chew the leg off his stuffed bunny that he brought from his foster home, and whining at the cat, who he can't get to, but would love to sniff and kiss all over.

tonight i'm watching tv, eating chicken enchiladas (red sauce) and drinking some Delicato cab. 'cause the HH can't drink that, it gives him headaches. it's really good, by the way--this is the '05, in case you're interested, and at about $5 a bottle, it's a real bargain! and 'cause if i open the bottle of glen morangie scotch without ron & keenan (who's old enough to drink as of this past thursday!!!) i'll get in major trouble...

oh! one more thing, speaking of new records! if you read my post 'roughing it' --way back in june!--(or if you want to go read it now, don't worry, i'll wait) and wondered what ever happened about that new aaron espe record... it's OUT! you can download it here or, if you prefer a hard copy you can wait a bit and get it from cd baby one of these days soon. (except for you, gypsy. you just remember that good things come to those who wait.) but however you choose, just get it. GET IT.

have a nice weekend...

on exhibit from my collection

                           

i collect quotes, especially quotes about art, the way some people collect art itself.  i heard a new one today, and as i was adding it to my list, i thought i'd share some with you--because so many of you are artists yourselves, and i thought you might enjoy them...

i don’t quite know what it is, but it must be something to do with the music. –keith richards

my canvas is silence. –keith richards

Good music comes out of people playing together, knowing what they want to do and going for it. You have to sweat over it and bug it to death. You can't do it by pushing buttons and watching a TV screen. --keith richards

art teaches nothing, except the significance of life. –henry miller

The dignity of the artist lies in his duty of keeping awake the sense of wonder in the world. In this long vigil he often has to vary his methods of stimulation; but in this long vigil he is also himself striving against a continual tendency to sleep.  --marc chagall

I think people who create and write, it actually does flow-just flows from into their head, into their hand, and they write it down. It's simple. --paul  mccartney

Writing is easy: all you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until the drops of blood form on your forehead.--gene fowler

i don’t think anyone who’s never been backstage at a live event understands how great your odds are of getting it wrong versus getting it right.--jay  howard, producer, jhe production group

I was born with music inside me. Music was one of my parts. Like my ribs, my kidneys, my liver, my heart. Like my blood. It was a force already within me when I arrived on the scene. It was a necessity for me-like food or water.--ray charles

I never wanted to be famous. I only wanted to be great.--ray charles

ch-ch-ch...

...changes...

1) well, if you didn't notice as you walked in my door today... never mind.

2) we're moving. we knew when we moved that we'd have to go from being homeowners to renters for a while; housing prices here are, well, to put it mildly, outrageous.  but we didn't know that we could still be affected by the mortgage crisis.  our rental home is in foreclosure! we have to be out in just a few weeks.  but God is good--the very day we found out we were losing one house we found the next one! it's so sweet, and cozy, and in a great neighborhood--really perfect for us.  some of the best things about it are:

--it's less rent than the last place. yay!

--the owner's had it for 30 years. not a lot of debt on it, so the current scenario is very unlikely to be repeated!

--it has a nice-sized back & side yard, with flowerbeds some have roses! and what will soon be grass and a couple of nice trees. the about-to-be-the-old house only had a wooden deck out back.

--because the last renters trashed the place, we get a 50-year-old house with new floors, new appliances, new cabinets that just happen to go well with my dining furniture...

--it's almost 30  miles closer to the church.  which means 30 miles closer to work, youth group, men's fraternity, all of it.  great savings of time & gas! my friend doug, after reading this, tells me i should have said closer to THE BEACH.  there you go, doug.

--maybe the best thing about it of all--it's within walking distance of several of our friends' homes! how great is that? the kids will be able to go to school with their friends from youth group! and instead of being an hour-plus drive away from the rockstar and the lovely emily, we're only about 30 minutes. and, when we get a dog that's a story for another day, but suffice it to say that we had to send annie to her eternal reward before she worked her way out of it*  there's a beautiful open space not far from us to take him/her to--hills & trees, with trails to wander down! so great!

3) on the same day that we signed the lease on the house, we found out about some changes going on at ron's company which led to his immediate supervisor and another woman on that management level being fired, as well as the offices which are currently ten minutes away from old the house, being moved in the next few weeks to The City.  to which we're, in the next few weeks, going to be 30 miles closer. funny how that worked out, huh? funny.  except that i don't believe in coincidence.  see line #4 of 2) above.

a lot going on.  so if over the next 3-4 weeks i don't post much--picture me packing dishes and towels. at least this time i have an excuse.

*no comments, please, about theological correctness.  if you ever met annie, you know exactly what i'm talking about.  and if you didn't--well, that just means you still have all your fingers and toes.

maybe there's a badge for this

i've found that zinfandel and thin mints are remarkably well-suited to each other.

gotta love those girl scouts.

tagged and a new love

the tag:

serenity tagged me this week with these instructions:

(1) Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages)
(2) Open the book to page 123
(3) Find the fifth sentence
(4) Post the next three sentences
(5) Tag five people

now... #1 is the hardest.  within reach of me are meaning i can actually see them without moving at all at least seven books.  that doesn't include all the ones across the room in the bookcase and stacked on the end table and, oh yeah, the new ones over on the kitchen counter where i set them after i opened the amazon box. can't wait to dive into those!  new books are so tempting, so luscious... i know what i hope to find in them, them, that's why i bought them, but i don't really know what's coming, what delicious centers are wrapped in the chocolate coating of their covers...

but i digress. sort of.

so to choose... the closest book is art and fear, by david bayles and ted orland.  it's about the process of creating art, and the struggle that goes along with being an artist, but it's only 122 pages long, so it doesn't count!  but i'll leave you with a cool quote from it anyway, so you'll know why you'll like the book.

Writing is easy:
all you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper
until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
                                              --Gene Fowler

but on to the official #1. which, given what serenity herself wrote, is quite, um, astonishing.

the book:  a circle of quiet
the author:  madeleine l'engle!

the sentence:

So we left literature and talked about the body, and I kept asking questions:  what is it in you which gives you this freedom?

and the rest of the paragraph i'm cheating--i gave you 4 sentences, not 3:

Finally one of the young men, with great reluctance, pulled out the word:  skeleton.  It is our bones, our structure, which frees us to dance, to make love.  Without our structure we would be an imprisoned, amorphous blob of flesh, incapable of response.  The amoeba has a minimum of structure, but I doubt if it has much fun.

i'm tempted to muse on that, about what it is we're each structuring our lives around, what it is that really gives us our freedom... but i won't.   it's worth pondering, though. and i can't promise, for those of you who are local, that it won't end up as a sermon someday...

and i tag: kim, andi, tracy, teri, and matt.

and now for new love--

oh my stars.

you  may have noticed an addition to the these days i'm listening to list.

how in the world have i missed ryan adams until now?

oh, it's not like i've never heard his music, but always in passing. i'd never really paid attention. but people i know, people whose taste i respect, really appreciate him. so, when i had some gift money to spend, i asked for some suggestions about which of his cds to buy: what are the three ryan adams cds i should get first?

heartbreaker

gold

love is hell

so i did.  and holy... well, holy something.  he's amazing. i haven't listened to anything else since i got them two weeks ago. 

feel sorry for the poor sky blue sky cd.  although it got unwrapped, and it got loaded into i-tunes... it's been ignored. 

i am in love.

i recently heard that, whether from oliver sak's musicophilia or in daniel j. levitin's this is your brain on music i'm not sure, but they're really cool books so it wouldn't hurt you to read them both, listening to music engages a vast majority of our brains.  other arts forms engage one or two areas, but music engages a totality of the ol' gray matter. which may be why great music is so powerful. and madeleine l'engle, in the book i quoted from in the first half of this post, said this, which, even though it's about words, describes so perfectly what i experience when listening to my new pal ryan:

Ontology is one of my son-in-law's favorite words, and I'm apt to get drunk on words, to go on jags; ontology is my jag for this summer...

i confess, i'm a little drunk on ryan adams' music. he's my jag for now. but unlike some jags, which, once the first infatuation is gone, so are they, his music will stay right up there in my very top tier of favorites, the ones that i drink from deeply and often.  his songs, like theirs, fill and intoxicate my mind and heart...

because it's such damn fine music.