Yiwu Timei often don't like to read long blog posts. so i apologize ahead of time for writing one, but you writers out there know--it is what it is...
it's been a tough couple of weeks around here. lots of things up in the air, stress, chaos, yada yada yada. on november 4th i'm meeting with my boss, to discuss some changes in my work situation, changes that can only be discussed in person. somehow, i'm not thinking that's going to include a promotion or a raise! it's not an easy thing, but it's also--fine. it's really fine. after all, decisions are being made with the goal of God's best for the church, for the congregation, for His Kingdom, in mind. which, i believe, includes for me. i feel the way you do when you're about to have surgery--apprehensive, hopeful, relieved that there's an end to the uncertainty, and excited to see what God has in mind for the future.
ministry is such a strange vocation. i'm not sure that there's any other career choice that so involves what for most people are different parts of their lives--faith, family, and friends. last weekend, after speaking to one of our adult sunday school classes ironically enough about my role on the pastoral staff i found myself standing at the edge of the courtyard looking across at the main building of my church, from the outside, as it were, through streaming rain. i had picked up some slices of cheese from the refreshment table in the class, and realized i had better eat them before walking back, not wanting them to melt in the downpour! as i looked at the church, i couldn't help but wonder what it might be like to not be on staff anymore.
we're asked, you see, as ministers, to be deeply connected within our congregational communities, to be closely connected to those we serve. and our families join us in this: serving on ministry teams both of my still-at-home kids serve in the children's ministry, and my husband serves the youth group, making friends my daughter's best friends at school are also in the youth group with her, serving our broader community together. our lives become heavily entwined. and it isn't just about pastor/congregational ties, it's also about staff-to-staff relationships. some of my dearest friends are those with whom i've served on various church staffs. this particular staff is intentionally friendship-based; so much so that it's in our letters of call must be willing to be part of a friendship-based staff relationship. so for the past four years we've worked hard to develop and strengthen our relationships. some of my difficulties this past year, as you, my Dear Readers, know, has been the departure of two dear friends from my current staff. we're still close, but i so miss them while at work! i miss the day-to-day collaboration, sharing of inconsequential details of life that make it so rich, the partnering, even as we work on separate tasks in the same room, of hearts and souls, minds and hands toward a common, highly-valued goal.
but when staff positions end... all these relationships are affected, too. while some friendships can be preserved and maintained, some can't, especially when moving to another church staff. relational energy has to be expended on current congregations, friendships developed in a new church family, and often a change of geography makes keeping friendships active really hard. in our case, we're going to choose an unusual path--we plan to stay in this church, for several years, at least. we're choosing to stay involved in this community while our kids are in school and so heavily invested in both ministry and mentorship. we'll choose to stay within this faith family whether or not i'm part of the staff.
i don't know what this will mean for me vocationally. i'll need to earn money--we can'd do without my income i do know that i want to work in the arts, more specifically to work with artists musicians, authors, whatever... and i know that i'm called to ministry, or that, rather, i am God's minister, pastor, vocational slave, whatever it is you want to label it. i will continue pursuing ordination, because i love this denomination with all my heart, and am committed to serve here as best i can. and i know that's right, know that it's what God wants me to do, because this week He has... well... He's sent me physical, tangible love letters, letters that tell me not only how much He loves me, but how much He desires me to stay in ministry. they may not look like love letters at first--you may even disagree with me that they're actually love letters at all--but i've realized that's exactly what they are. and they've all come through His people, which has made it all even more meaningful.
the first letter came early in the week. a woman in our congregation who i don't know well came to me as i sat in the tech booth, and told me i'd been on her heart, and that she had a book to give me, that she would leave for me the next day. it's the most unique and beautiful book i've seen in a long time, a book called take me to the water. i have been so moved by this book, by the images and sounds of people celebrating their coming to faith, celebrating being found and loved by Jesus, i can't really put it into words.
the second letter came on wednesday afternoon. i was in the sanctuary setting up the video for our alpha program later that night, and as i did so the caterer who makes the alpha dinner came in with her brother, who is mentally challenged. he's a wonderful guy, always makes sure to give me a big hug and ask how i am. this day he wanted to know how long i'd be around, and when i told him about another half-hour, he grinned widely and said, that's plenty of time! don't leave without coming to see me in the kitchen! when i'd finished my work i went in to say goodbye, and he proudly announced that he'd made something just for me, then presented me with a large, beautiful yarn ojo de Dios that he'd created on two wooden cooking skewers. again, i was so moved, that he'd taken the time to create that beautiful thing for me. it's going on the wall in my new home office.
the third letter came yesterday morning. i opened my email to find a message from a man i don't know. he was part of the staff of a media conference i'd attended back in july. turned out, he told me, that they'd come across a journal with my name on it, and would i like them to mail it back to me? would i?? yes please!! i have been so sad about losing that journal--it was a new one, but i had removed the most important pages out of my old one to put in this one, and when i lost it--i lost all of those that were the most important ones for me to keep.
so those are my three love letters this week. the first--a celebration and demonstration of the lives changed in ministry, seems to me a confirmation of what i do, and an encouragement perhaps even a slight admonition! not to leave it, however God might end up shaping the form of it.
the second letter: --made, i should add, with colors used in the cover of the book-- that's easy. it's an ojo de Dios--an eye of God. Seems to me a message that He sees me, that He's watching over me and caring for me.
and the third--holy cats. i never thought i'd get that journal back. thought i'd left it on the plane, or in a hotel room--gone forever. so i am overwhelmed by the idea that God not only knew that my journal and its contents were important to me, but that for months now He's been taking care of it, excitedly waiting for just the right time to give it back to me... i cried over that one.
i'm reminded by all this that God is continually sending us love letters, most of the time more subtle ones, but love letters nonetheless. i think i've been in a place where i needed more dramatic, flamboyant missives these days--He needed to get my attention!--but i'm convinced He's always trying to tell us how much He loves us, that He has us on His heart and, as a scripture I keep hearing lately declares, He has engraved me on the palms of His hands. i'm beyond grateful for the reminders, as i'm always in need of them.
i'm also grateful to those people who delivered these letters to me this week, for their being part of His postal service. makes me wonder how often some impulse i've followed was really a love letter from God to someone, and makes me want to be more intentional about listening to see if He has a particular letter He wants me to deliver. it's so much fun to get these--i want to be part of delivering them too!
thanks for reading all this, for helping me process the crazy exciting journey i'm on these days. you are loved and appreciated. and--i'll bet there are love letters on their way to you right now. tell me about them when you get them, would you? i'd love to hear!
