souliloquies

rainy saturday

i did good for a while, right? i mean, there were 2 or 3 posts in the SAME WEEK! yes indeed. but apparently i can't keep that up consistently... ;)

i will also take as good excuse that i went away on a pastoral prayer retreat for 4-5 days, with very sporadic internet access although you notice i did TRY which meant i couldn't post. ahem.

here's the report.

i'm working on website content for the worship consultancy. that's going to be fun, once i get it up and going. the website design has been decided, and logo/artwork is almost finished. by the first of april i should have something concrete to offer people. yay! 

pets are a focus these days. jake has been extraordinarily wonderful lately; we're very much enamored of him and his dazzling personality. recently we had family visit, along with their sweet little shihtzu puppy dog. jake would offer him toys tossing them over to him! and push little pieces of food over to him, as if to include charlie-boy in all the activities of the canine side of the house. if a dog can have the spiritual gift of hospitality, jake's got it! which is good, because his well, our buddy mccartney will be staying with us for a few days next week. hopefully it will be sunny; when the boys get together, they need lots of room to run and wrestle! and i'm longing more and more for another cat--since losing mr. whiskers in december, this is the first time i've lived without a cat since i was in college. so soon, we'll have to fill that hole, methinks...

the other focus these days is theatre. the HH has ended one production and is into another--this one a one-act that a fellow actor has written for a local festival event. and miss maggie is about to finish her run of midsummer's night dream this week. that's been a lot of fun, but a lot of work for her too--we're very proud of her, how hard she's worked at both this and school, doing so well...

and al is himself back in the theatre world a bit as he takes a class in theatre as part of his college fare. i'm the only one, at this point, who isn't doing something theatrical, but i may be about to change that, as i'm applying to direct a one-act for the town's summer one-act series. we'll see...

other than all that--getting ready to go see my aunt, uncle & cousin in dallas, as we all get to go to the nascar samsung 500 next month, and starting my prep for my last class in my denominational credentialing program, and getting ready for a one-shot class on painting with acrylics. still looking for part-time work. still working through grief and sadness. still enjoying the rainy weather. still working on visual art--painting, drawing, collaging. wrote a not-so-hot-but-i-like-it poem. looking for a photographer to capture a specific image for my website. still knitting--sheep and a scarf!

and just for grins, i'm spending as much of this dark, slow, rainy saturday as possible in my jammies. yes please!

 

 

 in other words, life, with all its myriad joys and challenges,  proceeds apace. 

shocked

 

 

 

i am shocked. in the full definition of the word. funny, written down it looks sarcastic. and it's not even in sarcastic font. but it's true--i really am. i just found out something about a colleague, something about which i had no idea, and i am thoroughly shocked. and rather astonished at the intensity of my response. so you get to come along with me as i process.

it started simply enough. as i may have mentioned somewhere along the way, after my job officially ended, i decided to take a couple months away from my church. i've wanted to make a clean break between my life on staff and my life as a congregant. and i'm wanting to spend several sundays at other churches, to experience different types of worship gatherings and different worship environments. after all, when you're on staff at a church, and especially when the worship services are your purvey, it's hard to ever get a chance to see what other churches are doing! also, our church has long been one that is a good friend with many of our local sister churches. we've worshipped together in joint gatherings, done community service together, and our pastors meet together regularly to encourage and support each other. so i was definitely interested in seeing how some of these other churches worship. so i looked to those first, checking out worship schedules and sermon series info. and that's when it happened.

one of the first churches i hoped to check was one that had intrigued me for a long time. they've got a young, hip pastor, that i've worked with on some of our joint ventures, and i enjoyed those experiences very much. they've got a cool name, a fabulous website. my expectations were that worshipping there would be a creative, contemporary, post-modern experience that i would very much appreciate. but while on their website, i noticed a particular consistency of language usage that made me a bit... curious. and then, as i read further, suspicious. and then i found the confirmation. 

all the language i'd seen, regarding church leaders and pastors, was male-only terminology; complementarian, to be more specific. and that's because they've decided to become affiliated with the Acts 29 movement, started by Mars Hill Church Executive Pastor Scott Thomas in Seattle, WA.

now, don't get me wrong--i know that there are many, many churches who hold the complentarian point of view. i'm not naive enough to expect that just because a church seems hip and cool it will support exactly the same vales that i do. but somehow, finding out that this particular pastor as well as a second pastor from this church that i've often worked with believes that women don't belong in pastoral leadership, don't belong in the pulpit--that God doesn't approve of women in these positions--is a serious bombshell to me, as someone who believes she's been gifted and called to pastoral ministry. i worked with these pastors on planning worship gatherings, on setting them up and working them through. and all that time, were they thinking she doesn't belong here. her service in this role is against God's will. perhaps they even thought it was a sin, for me to be an actual pastor on staff? 

and then i have to examine our church's relationship with this church. when we support their ministry, are we actually supporting their complementarian values, or are we agreeing to disagree? what about the other churches in this group? and at what point do i say--and do we as a church say--no, we can't support you because of that. if they didn't allow men of color in the pulpit, would we still work together with them? would we stay in relationship in order to possibly change their beliefs? or would we just close our eyes to the truth, and ignore it in the name of peace and unity between Christian churches in one of the darkest, most unchurched areas of the country? 

i don't know the answer to any of these questions. i'm not sure i'm even asking the right questions yet. all i know is that i now have a different perspective on two men i thought of as colleagues, two men with whom i thought i shared mutual respect, and certainly a different view of their church. i'm even questioning my own openly egalitarian  congregation's relationship with that other church. and i know i'm stunned to find this out, shocked to discover it, and surprised at my own intense response to this information. 

oh--i do know one other thing. i know i won't be attending that other church any time soon.

not quite julie & julia--but edging closer

i've been doing more cooking lately. being unemployed, i've had more time, and more desire, i think, and it's a good creative outlet. and sometimes only sometimes cooking from scratch is cheaper, so it's a good money-saver as well. i think i'm actually becoming a pretty good cook. i'll never be cooking my way through Julia Child's gastronomic tome, but i'm fascinated, in a rather out-of-body objective observation, the way my skills are developing. not ever something i thought i'd be, but there it is.

for instance--last night i cooked for my in-laws. while not quite foodies, they definitely have evolved sophisticated taste. and eveline--well, she's french, of royal lineage, and some of the finest meals i've ever had have been served at her table. said table, to add to the effect, often graced with the salt cellar of napoleon bonaparte's table... 

anyway, the point is, not only did i cook--i cooked recipes i'd never cooked before. and i wasn't that worried about it! not that it was an uber-difficult meal or anything. and i'd had it all once before, so i knew that it was good--if i could get it right! if you cook, you know how it is--it's always a bit of a crap-shoot when you try a new recipe. often it needs tweaking, adapting, adjusting. but this time i did it without any glitches! mostly! well. the mustard-herb crusted beef tenderloin was a little rare, my oven seems to run a little cool but dear eveline stepped in and helped me by slicing and quickly sauteeing the meat in olive oil for a few seconds on each side--made all the difference. the butternut squash with sage & orzo came out wonderfully, and the spinach salad with mushroom, red onion, and toasted almond is always yummy. I was so excited to have everyone dig in and love it--even my nephew who confessed that he wasn't big on eating beef, but went back for seconds anyway. culinary victory!

and now--now i'm a little obsessed with what i can do with the leftovers. so tomorrow, i believe it's going to be pureed squash & orzo soup--with parmesan, and maybe some sour cream, or yogurt added in? and a wilted spinach salad with tenderloin strips. i'd never have thought of that a year ago--would have either just eaten the leftovers for lunch, or left them in the fridge until they *had* to go, if you know what i mean. but now--now those leftovers are fodder for creating something new and fun. some of you are probably very good at this, but it's new to me. i'm not exactly a domestic goddess, you know...

my father-in-law was so excited about the dinner that he took pictures. i'll post them as soon as i get them from him, and then also pics of the soup/salad phase II. until then:

i can't resist--

bon appétit!

we're baack...

we're as in the rain, which has been conspicuously absent these last couple of days, and before that for a few weeks, and me. who's been conspicuously absent much longer.

i guess it's having lived for so many decades in phoenix that i still get excited about rainy days--especially rainy days when i don't really have to go anywhere. i think it's that having lived in the desert for so long i have an enormous personal rainfall deficit that four years in northern california can't begin to touch. but whatever the reason, i do. get excited, that is. rain makes me happy. and it's raining today.

today is also the third day of my third week of... well, not just unemployment, but also un-ministryment. no more church staff position. no position of any kind, for that matter, although i am, as they say, in the hunt. craigslist job postings, my new bff. and it feels a bit weird. but it's a new phase of my life, and i wanted to start sharing this new part of the journey with you.

i'm sorry to have stopped posting. i'm hoping some of you missed me... don't tell me if you didn't, i don't want my illusionary bubbles burst! but it was such a hard year and-a-half and not-so-nice things kept happening being lonely for dear colleagues at work, cat diagnosed with diabetes & needing insulin twice a day & fancy expensive food, job being eliminated, back going out completely twice followed by drs & physical therapy, cat shockingly suddenly dying of something else entirely, getting $2800 stolen from our bank acct via paypal, the HH needing heart procedure he's fine now, HH's aunt dying... how much of that could i keep writing about? there's only so much about grief and loss that a reading audience i flatter myself that i do have one, intimate and exclusive though it may be can stand!and i've realized, too, that i felt bad about being so knocked down by this stuff. most of it was difficult, yes, but in some sense i've felt embarrassed, or ashamed, that my response to all these has been so intense. so... long-lasting. nonetheless, it is what it is. it's been painful, and even as i write this, i'm aware of that deep core of sadness i still carry.  and so, i chose to, in the sentiment of these slightly mis-applied words of Jed, a character from one of my favorite brain-candy movies Cat Ballou, starring Jane Fonda, 

...apologize for my disgusting condition and I assure you I will not inflict myself on you any further.

in other words, since i couldn't say anything nice...

yeah, that.

but it's getting better. i'm getting better. the good days outnumber the bad. sometimes, it's more about the good hours outnumbering the bad, but still. and i'm learning too that the more i spend time with friends and loved ones, the better i get. last week was especially good--time spent with two wonderful friends and clients, a girls' night in, drinks out with my HH and the cast of his current play, a lovely church service with music worship lead by my fav worship leader... it was so good, so encouraging, so nourishing. it was a really good week.

and i'm working on new "work"--getting websites designed, consulting paradigms developed, strategy detailed out. that's exciting, as well as encouraging! 

it's been a long year. or year-and-a-half. i hope things are on the upturn now.  but even if they're not, i hope i'm on the upturn. i'm working on taking better care of myself. i'm taking a painting class, i'm working on my writing, i'm taking care of my back. 

and i'm doing my best to acknowledge and work through my sadness. and i hope you don't mind--i may do some of that here. i found for myself last week, talking with a friend who's had a rough time recently as well, that i felt better talking about it together. maybe me talking about it here will help somebody else.

and it won't all be doom & gloom, for sure. my life is always a bit kooky and crazy, so i'll make sure to share that stuff with you too. i might even show you some of my quite pathetic paintings. oh! and i'm learning to knit--so i can make little sheep. at this point i have a body and three legs knitted. that's only taken me two weeks to get done. at this rate, i'll have a whole flock by the time i'm 60!

 

this post is dedicated to M, who is ever-faithful and even more ever-encouraging about this blog. this one's for you, girl dear!