we're baack...

we're as in the rain, which has been conspicuously absent these last couple of days, and before that for a few weeks, and me. who's been conspicuously absent much longer.

i guess it's having lived for so many decades in phoenix that i still get excited about rainy days--especially rainy days when i don't really have to go anywhere. i think it's that having lived in the desert for so long i have an enormous personal rainfall deficit that four years in northern california can't begin to touch. but whatever the reason, i do. get excited, that is. rain makes me happy. and it's raining today.

today is also the third day of my third week of... well, not just unemployment, but also un-ministryment. no more church staff position. no position of any kind, for that matter, although i am, as they say, in the hunt. craigslist job postings, my new bff. and it feels a bit weird. but it's a new phase of my life, and i wanted to start sharing this new part of the journey with you.

i'm sorry to have stopped posting. i'm hoping some of you missed me... don't tell me if you didn't, i don't want my illusionary bubbles burst! but it was such a hard year and-a-half and not-so-nice things kept happening being lonely for dear colleagues at work, cat diagnosed with diabetes & needing insulin twice a day & fancy expensive food, job being eliminated, back going out completely twice followed by drs & physical therapy, cat shockingly suddenly dying of something else entirely, getting $2800 stolen from our bank acct via paypal, the HH needing heart procedure he's fine now, HH's aunt dying... how much of that could i keep writing about? there's only so much about grief and loss that a reading audience i flatter myself that i do have one, intimate and exclusive though it may be can stand!and i've realized, too, that i felt bad about being so knocked down by this stuff. most of it was difficult, yes, but in some sense i've felt embarrassed, or ashamed, that my response to all these has been so intense. so... long-lasting. nonetheless, it is what it is. it's been painful, and even as i write this, i'm aware of that deep core of sadness i still carry.  and so, i chose to, in the sentiment of these slightly mis-applied words of Jed, a character from one of my favorite brain-candy movies Cat Ballou, starring Jane Fonda, 

...apologize for my disgusting condition and I assure you I will not inflict myself on you any further.

in other words, since i couldn't say anything nice...

yeah, that.

but it's getting better. i'm getting better. the good days outnumber the bad. sometimes, it's more about the good hours outnumbering the bad, but still. and i'm learning too that the more i spend time with friends and loved ones, the better i get. last week was especially good--time spent with two wonderful friends and clients, a girls' night in, drinks out with my HH and the cast of his current play, a lovely church service with music worship lead by my fav worship leader... it was so good, so encouraging, so nourishing. it was a really good week.

and i'm working on new "work"--getting websites designed, consulting paradigms developed, strategy detailed out. that's exciting, as well as encouraging! 

it's been a long year. or year-and-a-half. i hope things are on the upturn now.  but even if they're not, i hope i'm on the upturn. i'm working on taking better care of myself. i'm taking a painting class, i'm working on my writing, i'm taking care of my back. 

and i'm doing my best to acknowledge and work through my sadness. and i hope you don't mind--i may do some of that here. i found for myself last week, talking with a friend who's had a rough time recently as well, that i felt better talking about it together. maybe me talking about it here will help somebody else.

and it won't all be doom & gloom, for sure. my life is always a bit kooky and crazy, so i'll make sure to share that stuff with you too. i might even show you some of my quite pathetic paintings. oh! and i'm learning to knit--so i can make little sheep. at this point i have a body and three legs knitted. that's only taken me two weeks to get done. at this rate, i'll have a whole flock by the time i'm 60!

 

this post is dedicated to M, who is ever-faithful and even more ever-encouraging about this blog. this one's for you, girl dear!