my father is dying.

he's diabetic, he has an infection that isn't responding to antibiotics, and he refused the surgery that would have helped, because it would have landed him in a nursing home for recovery, and he will not go there. he's also seriously incapacitated from a series of strokes. all in all, i think he's ready to go. and i don't think it's going to be long now.

the lovely emily called me today, to see how i was, and she asked me what this brought up for me. you see, my father and i weren't close. he divorced my mom when i was pretty young (8, maybe?) and hadn't been around a lot before that. he was a good man, but a bad father. he wasn't cruel, wasn't even cold. didn't have drug or alcohol problems, didn't run around with other women, didn't gamble. he just wasn't around. his own father was abusive, had maybe even sexually abused my aunt, and i've always thought that maybe, having daughters, he was afraid of what he might become, what he might do--as if there were some part of his own father inside him that might suddenly emerge. or, maybe there was just something missing in him, something that didn't allow him to engage and attach and love his children well. whatever it was, it was.

so when emily asked what this has brought up for me... well, i've been thinking it over. and even more, em, than i said to you on the phone, here's what's come up.

certainly it's brought up regret. regret that i didn't have a closing loving supportive relationship with my dad. regret for the things we missed out on, the family get-togethers and fun times. regret for both him, his wife and my kids, that things weren't different--that we couldn't be a family together over the years. dad, you really missed out on getting to know these great kids. i'm so sorry that you and they didn't get to share life together, that they didn't get to know their grandfather well. all of you have missed out.

but there is gratitude there, too. gratitude that, for whatever reason, the abusive cycle was ended with my grandfather. gratitude that, if it's true that my father didn't trust himself, he stayed away, which may have been his way of caring for us. and there's gratitude that in this last fifteen years or so, we re-established a relationship of sorts. it wasn't perfect, wasn't even good, but it wasn't bad. it was better than nothing. it was benign, which was improvement. and it was a reconciliation of sorts, something that i wouldn't have expected earlier in my life. in her book the tale of despereaux, author kate dicamillo writes, 

        there are those hearts, reader, that never mend again once they are broken. or if they do mend, they heal themselves in a crooked and lopsided way, as if sewn together by a careless craftsman.

i think that's a good description of my relationship with my dad. we sort of put it back together again, but in a way that's crooked and lopsided instead of whole and healthy. still, i think, better than nothing. the best we could do.

and this has also brought up gratitude, together with comfort and awareness, for how different things are for my own kids with their father. my relationship with my dad taught me how important the little things are, believing in your kids, being there for ball games and band concerts and birthday parties--just being there for them. letting them know they're the apple of your eye--i know how important it is, because i didn't have much of  that with him. i missed out, and so did my dad.  

but my own family is different, and i'm grateful. my husband is a wonderful man, and a great dad. yes, sometimes they all annoy the crap out of each other, because, of course, nobody's perfect, and we're a pretty... let's say animated and passionate bunch! but my kids have no doubt that their dad loves them HUGELY. they know he adores them, would do anything for them. if there's a play or an award ceremony or a sports event they're in, he's there. he never misses an opportunity to tell people how proud he is of them, tell funny stories about them, or just share the latest news about them. i see especially my daughter, how strong, confident, and  healthy she is knowing her father thinks the world of her.

i just called the hospital he's 800 miles away and left a message for my dad. tell him, i said, that i love him, that i'm praying for him, that i'm sorry he's so sick. i hope it's enough.  in the lopsided and crooked reality of our relationship, it's the best i can do. it's really all there is.

Comments

[zanne]

well, folks, life never ceases to surprise... today he is better. they have been able to do some work to treat the infection, he's rallied and is more alert, drinking some (rather than all via IV). praying for continued improvement...