battle at the castle gates

maybe it's the weather--gloomy & gray. maybe it's mental tiredness--these last weeks have been full of intellectual and informational overload--going to class, planning classes, re-writing scripts, web content--i'm a little pooped in the brain dept!  but i feel i'm battling... something. lots of things. 

i am finding myself deeply moved by art this week--the rock star's latest music made me cry. although that's not unusual for me with him. but i've encountered a couple of other artworks this week that have also touched me intensely this week, and what all this has created in me is a longing, a yearning, an overwhelming hunger to be immersed in, surrounded by, the amazingly lovely life-giving power of brilliant artistic work. to be involved with the creating of, the exposing of, the evangelizing of breath-takingly stunning art into the world. there's pain in that, the exquisite pain of experiencing heart-breaking beauty, that overwhelms by its flood of sound and color and texture encountered in fresh and overpowering ways that come from the heart and soul of the artist... and the pain and the joy and the distraction of all of this is almost as gloriously unbearable as it is deliciously satisfying. in other words--i've come undone.

secondly, maybe coming out of the above, i am struggling mightily with my calling. calling--such a Christian-co-opted word, isn't it? do you think anyone besides Christians use that term to mean what we do by it? anyway... there are many times when i feel confident in my understanding of my calling. in those moments i trust that i do understand what God is asking of me, has designed and gifted me for, called me to.  i love Him, i trust Him, i long to serve Him with all i am and all i have. and yet...

and yet i am, these last couple of weeks especially, confronted with that which leads me to wonder if what i understand i have to offer is really something of worth. do i truly understand my calling? is it from God, or is it just me? last week, surrounded as i was in my class by astonishingly brilliant and gifted pastors, i began to seriously doubt that i, through my little worship consultancy idea, can really be of any help to them. this week, following a couple of conversations on facebook between worship leaders, worship leaders so gifted and talented, so competent, so anointed and authentically committed and called to their ministries that i think--what can i have of any value to help these amazing people? and back to artists--how can i really make a difference to these incredible artists i long to work with? i am afraid, when confronted with these people and their works, that i have nothing to offer but deep admiration and appreciation. i feel a poser, a fake--just an observer who longs to be more--but isn't.

i am a little comforted by the fact that john bunyan, author of the pilgrim's progress, understood these feelings. his own doubts about himself and his work assailed him for much of his life. the pilgrim's progress itself expressed some of this. carole watterson troxler has said, as a statement of religious faith, The Pilgrim’s Progress for centuries has symbolized the simple but profound human desire to live to one’s fullest capacity.  yes, that is what i long for. to live to my fullest capacity and ability, to contribute something of significance to art and faith...

and what i am afraid, today, that i may not be capable of. in the book, bunyan writes: 

There was a castle called Doubting Castle, the owner whereof was Giant Despair...

today especially i feel i stand within the gates of that castle. i must not, will not, enter. i will stand here outside and do battle against that owner, remembering bunyan, his struggle, his courage, and more than all that his Source-that lovely, holy Source and Friend, Who is also mine. get thee behind me, satan. leave me in peace!

it is in the palace of that holy Friend, the palace in the Delectable Mountains in Immanuel's Land, a haven of hope and rest for us pilgrims, in which i will make my home. even if today, like many days, is a battle.

i stand, and fight.