Yiwu Timeit's friday morning, and it's getting ready to rain. and i'm getting ready to start a weekend where i'm producing five different worship sessions/gatherings--one of which is going to be 100 miles away from where i actually am. i'm also supposed to be spending a great deal of this weekend with my kids, as we'll be at our church's family camp weekend. i should be packing, emailing last-minute instructions and reminders, making sure my projection media in my laptop is right and ready to go, figuring out how to keep the gear i'm hauling from getting wet. but instead i'm posting this blog.
you see, i got just got upset at my husband for bringing home the following girl scout cookies: two boxes of samoas his favorite, one box of trefoils, and... no. no and. no and, internet! do you see what's missing here? yes, that's right. no thin mints. none. i'm not sure it's even legal to place a cookie order without those! so i made it clear that, for the rest of our married life, should he place an order for girl scout cookies and not include thin mints... well, it wouldn't be a good idea, if you know what i mean.
now, let me be clear. my husband didn't think this was the only cookie order we would have placed. he was just doing his duty by his colleague in the san bruno office that was hitting up all and sundry to buy little sweetum's cookies. i get that. and he knew that any order i placed would include those all important chocolate-covered mint-infused disks. he didn't do anything wrong, internet. but i was upset. and when i got off the phone sorry honey i cried a little. because lately, for many many reasons, i've felt invisible. and this, while clearly not really about that, added to my sense of being unseen, of being out of sight and out of mind.
to be fair, some of that is normal--actually intentional. in my job, when i've done it well, nobody sees what i've put into place. they see an artist on stage up front, who's free to be her- or him-self, relaxed, comfortable, open, in the moment. they hear the music, the right volume, the right mix. they see projected images that draw them in, and deepen their experience. but they don't see the technology behind it all, they don't see the production process, and for the most part, they don't see me. that's the way it's supposed to be--that's how i know i've done it well.
lately, though, the invisibility's been more personal. with the changes going on at work, the one thing that seems certain is that i'm likely not to be in charge of all i'm in charge of now. but exactly what that's going to mean, or when it's going to happen--that's completely up in the air. some people--a couple of them on my own staff--are behaving as though those changes had already happened, and are starting to make their own plans and decisions in areas i oversee. some of my colleagues who interact with my department & staff have also seemed to make those assumptions, and so conversations and decisions--some about this very weekend we're approaching--happened without me--went around me directly to my staff. not something that's a usual pattern of operation for us. and those decisions and actions still impacted me and what i am responsible for accomplishing. so i feel set aside, unconsidered, and invisible. nobody's fault, really, just a consequence of the uncertainty and intensity of the times.
not too long ago, there was a video that was being linked to left and right. it's called The Invisible Woman, and it's a woman's story of feeling invisible with the people around her. it's just under six minutes long, and in it the woman talks about the great cathedral builders: how no one knows who they were, and how they built these immense beautiful monuments without credit, without being remembered. and she says that as she looked at these beautiful buildings, in that moment God spoke to her, telling her that He sees her. He sees all the work she does, all the sacrifice, that she is not invisible to Him. it's a reflection of the biblical story of Hagar, who is driven into the wilderness for carrying her master's illegitimate child, and who, alone, terrified, exhausted and helpless--is seen and called by name by the angel of the Lord. so grateful, she is, that she calls Him "the God who sees me". for myself, i too know that God sees me. and it makes all the difference to be seen, to be known--deeply, fully known. it helps me understand what my value as a human being is rooted in, where it comes from.
unfortunately, this Invisible Woman sketch doesn't stop there, with the knowledge of God's seeing. she goes on to say that it's not only okay that her family doesn't see her, she prefers it that way. she prefers that they ignore her, and simply get to experience what she does, so she can build her cathedrals in anonymity. i've learned, over the last several weeks, that i can't live like that. being invisible, especially to people i love and respect and work with, is limiting and difficult and even hurtful. it makes it hard for me to accomplish my job obligations when i'm no longer recognized as having the authority for them, even though i'm still technically responsible. it makes me feel sidelined, unimportant, with little to contribute.
several days ago the lovely emily gave me a gift, something that meant more to me than i can say. we were in the car, and she turned to me and said, i see you. i see you. and she means by that she sees all of it. she sees my grief over their leaving, my joy over their new ministry. she means she saw my struggles and my uncertainty about the future and most of all, she means my struggle with feeling invisible. hearing that, understanding the depth of what she was telling me... it was such an encouragement and a help, i can't find words to express to you what that meant. since then several dear people, whether directly or indirectly, have let me know that i'm seen.
all this has led me to two thoughts. one is that i'm kind of sick of me. feeling invisible makes me tend to focus more on myself, what i'm doing and how i'm feeling--which is rather cranky, if truth be told. it makes me feel like chloe from the show 24, who is often invisible or at least overlooked by those around her--makes i think my face look like this:
secondly, as people who follow Christ, we're called to be like Him. and part of that, i've come to realize, is seeing people--seeing them the way He sees them. oh, i'm not God, and i can't see into the depths of someone's heart. but i can recognize their presence, their value, the fact that no matter who they are or how they appear, He loves them beyond my ability to understand. they're not invisible to Him, so they must not be invisible to me.
so i'm going to be opening my eyes, both literally and figuratively, to the people around me. who is unseen, overlooked by me right now? are there people who i classify as invisible, or i only see in regards to the tasks they do, as resource or service? i want to start to be able to see them.
the way God, and the lovely emily, see me.
